Out of My Grasp
by ABoxOfMacaronsPlease
Summary: Unable to fully fulfill his promise, Haku watches Chihiro as she continues to live her life in the human world, for that is all he can do. Oneshot.


**A/N: Welp, here I am, typing this oneshot, clueless as to how everyone will react. So my sister by bond suggested I post this oneshot before I go on a hiatus to write my other Spirited Away fanfic I Belong at Home. I warn you, this may be a little terrible (and if you agree once you're done, I agree too) because it's not really my strength to write these types of fics. Also, I've kinda made this fanfic based on some of the things that's been shaping throughout society lately besides the romance I wished that would've happened between Chihiro and Haku. So . . . Here it is! xP**

 **Spirited Away Belongs to Hayao Miyazaki, but I thank him for making such a wonderful movie exist!**

* * *

"You must deal with it Kohaku! Sometimes life isn't fair, so we must learn to face it." Zeniba told me as calmly as she could. This made me even more frustrated.

"I will find a way to see her again! The promise I told her means so much to me, even if I said it at the last moment to urge her to go back. Even if it is to only look at her again, I wish to be with her." I said, with a notable hint of longing mixed in my tone. Zeniba sighed.

"Alright. I'll try once again. But, you may not completely be in the human world, although if you have actually been fully transported, Chihiro may not even remember you. So be prepared." Zeniba warned, but it did not phase me whatsoever.

"As long as I can be with her again."

Zeniba nodded and began her work. No Face brought a tray of tea and biscuits and offered some. Zeniba thanked the shadow-like spirit and accepted, while I politely refused.

* * *

"Haku, you must be careful. There are some things that might happen in Chihiro's life which may give you this painful feeling, so you must be aware of these things." Zeniba said. The witch's warning only confused me.

"What are these things you say that might happen?"

Zeniba's look became more serious at my question.

"You will find out eventually." Was all she answered. It made me all the more confused, but I nodded anyway.

Zeniba and I walked out to the porch of her cottage. I stepped in front of Zeniba, but far enough to give her space for the spell. Zeniba chanted in a strange language, and light began to surround me. Now surrounded in a cage of golden light, I looked around, and Zeniba stopped chanting and moved closer towards me.

"You've waited four years for this, and I wish you good luck. But you must remember what I've warned you about." Zeniba sternly said.

I suddenly felt a power, and I looked down. The cage of golden light moved and swirled, and the light entered inside me. I felt a strange power start to course through me. I frowned and looked back at the witch.

"I'm assuming that you can't fully be brought to the human world, child. I'm guessing that you may only observe, but st least you get to see her. Unfortunately, she can't see you." Zeniba said.

"As long as I get to be with her, physically or not."

 _But she won't notice, or might not even remember me._ I mentally added.

"The power to . . . _visit_ the human world is in you now, so you don't need the power of your river anymore to return. You may go now if you want. No Face and I will just tend to the gardens at the back." And with that Zeniba went back inside the cottage.

I focused and thought of the human world, and also of the main person and reason in it. I felt the power flow, and I closed my eyes. I felt something swirl around me, and the feeling faded. I opened my eyes again. I immediately noticed that I was no longer in Swamp Bottom. Instead I found myself standing in front of a blue house. My eyes were focused directly at the girl shouting the building's door.

Her too familiar brown ponytail swished behind her as she took on a spring, with her sparkly purple hair tie glinting noticeably. Her curves were more developed, and she has definitely gotten taller. Her cheeks have also lost most of its roundness, which gave her face a beautiful shine. The only thing that physically remained the same were her shining brown eyes, giving her a look of innocence with her newly developed radiance. My green eyes widened in joy and recognition.

"Chihiro." I whispered.

I went and followed the sprinting girl, who was after all these years, fourteen I presume. Chihiro stopped in front of a large building. Crowds of humans around her age were scattered in many places, but due to my lacking physical presence. I wasn't bombarded by the crazy amount of human stench. I continued following Chihiro as she walked through the inside of the building, which I'm guessing is her school, until she stopped in front of a group of people in a room with rows of desks. Fortunately I learned of some of the human ways through the conversations of people who were passing by my river when it still wasn't built over, but I still have much to learn.

"Good morning Chihiro!" A girl with short auburn hair greeted.

"Good morning Sayuri!" Chihiro greeted back.

The rest of the group greeted Chihiro, who happily greeted them back. Chihiro, along with the group and the rest of the other students scrambled for their seats, and an old man entered the room and starting calling out names. For the rest of the time, my focus was on Chihiro, who was writing on her notebook and glancing at the board and teacher every now and then.

By the time her day at school ended, I followed Chihiro as she walked back home (which would be creepy if she were to know of my presence), and kept my eyes on her. A few more hours have passed, and now I sat on the edge of Chihiro's bed as I watched her peacefully sleep.

 _She's blossomed into a beautiful young woman._ I thought, my gaze on her sleeping form.

After a few more minutes of stating, I sighed and stood up. I stole one last glance at the sleeping girl.

"Rest well Chihiro." I mumbled.

I focused my new power back to Zeniba's cottage.

* * *

Now at the age of eighteen, Chihiro walked into a building with many bright lights, dressed in some rather revealing getup, and her face painted in makeup. Her hair was in a messy bun, and her eyes shone with something different, which clearly wasn't a glow of innocence. I frowned and followed her in. Chihiro met up with some of her friends and asked a person for some drinks. I averted my gaze and inspected the area.

The area was fairly dark but was lit with the brightest lights I've seen. There were some people dancing to the music that was playing, while some were doing some incredibly nasty activities. Most were dressed in revealing and strange clothing. I grimaced in disgust.

 _I took my eyes off of her for three months to do some business at the Spirit World, and is this what she's been up to? But I'm sure there's a reason for them to be doing this._ I thought in disappointment.

The moment my etes landed on Chihiro once again I felt my heart shatter at the sight. In front of me was a red-faced Chihiro, who was obviously drunk, in the embrace of a man, and both were happily eating each other's faces off. My face took on a cold look that could freeze an army of spirits. I felt my heart twist as the two humans went even further.

I took a step back and turned away. I bit my lip and heard whoops and cheers from the group behind me. _It hurt._ Oh how it hurt so much. I suddenly recognized Zeniba's warning four years back.

 _". . . There are some things that might happen in Chihiro's life which may give you this painful feeling . . ."_

That one part stood out to me, and it was then that I've finally realized what the witch meant. I now feel so stupid for realizing it just now.

 _The first year of watching Chihiro, I realized that I was in love with her, and I still am. And because of my love for her I feel the great pain of seeing her with another. So this is what some may call heartbreak. Now she is out of my grasp._ I thought in despair.

I took one last glance at Chihiro, and I regret looking at her again at that moment. She was still in the arms of that same man, but doing things I don't even want to bother describing. I closed my eyes painfully and went back to the Spirit World. I opened my sad green eyes. Now in front of me sat Zeniba, who was calmly knitting what looked to be a shawl.

"Well?"

I looked down, my eyes being shadowed by my bangs.

"I finally realized what your warning from four years ago meant." I told the witch.

"Oh Kohaku . . ." Zeniba said sadly.

I never I'd give up. No matter what, even with the pain my heart is now going through, I won't leave her side. I will frown at her poor choices, but I will support her decisions. Why go through such heartache and still continue to stay by her.

 _Because I love her._

And yet, she is far out of my grasp.

* * *

Two more years have passed, and yet here I am, still by Chihiro's side. Watching her like a guardian angel. For two years I've seen her kiss that man, the man who acted like the world was his. Who treats the surrounding life like garbage when his _Darling Dearest Chihiro_ is not around.

I watched their sedding, and I was disgusted and disappointed to think that Chihiro chose to unite and vow herself to such a disgraceful being, but all I can do was watch.

* * *

Chihiro

I blankly looked at my husband, Kai, as he slept peacefully. For the last month since our honeymoon, I feel as if I'm hurting someone, but I'm not sure who. All my friends were very happy when I married Kai, and my parents were too. I closed my eyes and spaced out, but snapped back to reality when I heard Kai get up. I closed my eyes and pretended to sleep. I heard him dress and leave. I decided to follow him, so I quickly put on a white top and a pair of jeans. I snatched my mysterious purple hair tie and settled it on my wrist.

Kai walked out of the house and went towards the house two other houses away. I slipped on a pair of sandals and followed. I watched him ring the doorbell. A woman answered the doer, who is actually one of my friends Sayuri. I felt a gasp threaten to escape my mouth as I watched a Kai and Sayuri share a kiss.

I silently ran away, having absolutely no idea as to where my feet were taking me. I felt betrayed, but at the same time oddly relieved, since I've never actually felt for Kai. I found myself in front of a river, and a strange sense of relief washed over me as I dipped a finger in. Not caring about my clothes, I stepped into the body of water.

I stood in the river, the water reaching my chest. I felt tears spill down my cheeks, and more came until I started sobbing.

I cried about Sayuri's betrayal. I cried about Kai cheating on me. I cried about kissing him at the club two years ago, and now I regretted even meeting him at high school. I cried even more about marrying him, knowing well that I didn't actually love him. I cried some more about the poor choices I've made. But, I cried to my fullest because I betrayed the one boy I actually loved with all my heart.

"Kohaku." I shakily whispered.

The moment I mentioned the name, the whole world seemed to stop. Many scenes and flashbacks suddenly flooded my brain, and even more tears spilled because I forgot about such a place, the place that changed my whole life and perspective towards the world.

 _Maybe this whole time, I was desperate to fit in. I . . ._

I dove underwater and sat there. Everywhere, I saw some debris pass by, some even as large as my whole torso. My lungs started to burn for the need of oxygen. As I felt my consciousness slipping, two warm arms embraced me, and I blacked out.

* * *

I opened my eyes and found myself still underwater, but I was able to breathe. My heart stopped as my eyes landed on the man in front of me. His green tinted black hair, currently a bluish black under the darkness, was the same as ten years ago, but it flowed with the water. His black kimono moved with the water, with a dark blue sash keeping it secured on him. What shocked me the most were his same beautiful green eyes locked with my brown ones. Besides his new outfit and growth, he was the same. Am I dead?

"Haku." I mumbled, some bubbles escaping to the surface.

His eyes slightly widened.

"Kohaku." I said with more confidence.

Haku looked at me sadly, which made me realize this constant feeling of betrayal and hurting when I was with Kai. The source of this despair was Haku. He was always nearby. He's watched me for Kami knows how long, like my own guardian angel.

"You were with me this whole time." I realized.

He nodded, and I felt my tears mix with the water. So he did fulfill his promise, in a way.

I love him, but I couldn't remember him, and I wasn't able to see him until now. He was so close yet so far. He was out of my grasp.

"Kohaku!" I yelled and embraced him as tightly as I could so he wouldn't leave.

He returned my embrace, and engulfed me into his own arms. I sobbed into his chest.

"I'm sorry! I'm so sorry!" I apologized in shame and sadness.

"This whole time, you were there for me, watching me, possibly frowning at my poor decisions! Oh how it must've hurt to see me walking down that aisle and exchanging vows to some garbage of a man! All my poor choices . . .!" I yelled.

Haku chuckled grimly, the answer I needed to know that he was in fact in those events.

"Even though I disagreed with your mistakes, I supported you with your decisions. I did in fact ache and frown seeing you make such choices, but I went with it. I would have stopped you if it weren't for the limits of the spell, so all I could do was watch." He spoke.

"But why?"

"Because I love you."

I tightly shut my eyes. Add the pain of heartache because of his love for me since I chose someone else, along with the ache of seeing his saviour and love make such awful decisions. I couldn't even begin to imagine the pain he went through watching me all these years.

"I love you too. But I've chosen someone else and that spell's limits prevented me from seeing you. I've also strayed from the right path." I said.

"Yes, and because of the spell's limits, I was just able to watch . . ."

"And because of that . . ." We both spoke in unison.

 _You were out of my grasp._

* * *

 **A/N: And it's done! Dang that was horrible (in my opinion). If you agree then I'm sorry but I only know hoe to read fanfics like these kinds hehehe. Although if you actually liked it then thank you! x)**

 **Edit: Gosh, it pains me to see these typos I've made. If you spot an error, please notify me. xD**


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